A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
5/16/09
2/8/09
Hat trick for Great Thursday
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."
11/17/08
You asked what I wanted
A man walks into the restaurant and sits at the counter. He asks for a cup of coffee then looks at the menu. The waitress brings him a cup off coffee.
Waitress: What you you like?
Man: I'd like a quickie
Waitress: What?!
Man: I'd like a quickie
The waitress slaps him and leaves.
The man next to him leans over and says: It's pronounced keesh.
Waitress: What you you like?
Man: I'd like a quickie
Waitress: What?!
Man: I'd like a quickie
The waitress slaps him and leaves.
The man next to him leans over and says: It's pronounced keesh.
11/6/08
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
10/31/08
Buckshot
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
10/21/08
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
10/17/08
My first post.wet fart
When we were about 12 or so myself and my friends were hanging around "our" corner of the playground one breaktime. Being lads of a certain age (well obviously any age judging by this thread) we found farts in all their variations very amusing. Up saunters Rob -, assumes the one leg higher than the other farting position and loudly announces "hey lads... listen to this".
Of course, instead of the comedy, larger than life parping sound he was clearly expecting, what we heard was more of a slurping, squelching, slurry sound.
This was closely followed by rob turning white and waddling off, in that special legs wide walk that only comes from having shat yourself, in the direction of the school gates without muttering a single word.
Of course, instead of the comedy, larger than life parping sound he was clearly expecting, what we heard was more of a slurping, squelching, slurry sound.
This was closely followed by rob turning white and waddling off, in that special legs wide walk that only comes from having shat yourself, in the direction of the school gates without muttering a single word.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)